Finding Meaning on the 105 Freeway

A couple of years ago I had a panic attack on the freeway.  My palms got sweaty, my heart was beating fast, I was hyperventilating.  I had to call a friend to talk me through to my destination.  I have a very strange sense of space.  When I see a huge freeway on ramp from afar seemingly floating in open space I have a very difficult time feeling grounded in my own body.  Some part of me starts to fly off into the distance without me and I mentally and kinesthetically lose ground.

I actually had to call my NLP coach to talk me through to some solutions so that I could successfully drive on the freeway again without freaking out.  She suggested that I could always drive in the slow lane, get off the freeway at anytime, and most important keep my eyes on my own lane and to not look off too much in to the distance.  The depth of that metaphor did not hit me until today.

As I was taking  my dog to the vet when I unexpectedly hit a freeway on ramp that made me start to sweat.  It was huge, expansive and seemingly went on forever floating in mid air.  I started to loose ground.  Then I remembered my conversation  with my coach.  Keep your eye on your lane only for now, don't look at the whole on ramp and try to tackle it all at once, just keep your focus a couple of cars in front of you and its really OK to go slow....let people honk, just wave and smile as they pass.

I couldn't believe it.  It worked!!!! No palpitations, no sweaty palms, no shaking and crying, no phone calls for rescue.  One car distance at a time I got over that ramp, jubilant!!!

As I turned 50 last year I started to feel a lot of fear about aging.  I was having difficulty keeping my focus on the present -  where I am healthy and vibrant with lots of energy to be creative and productive.  All I could do was worry about how I will possibly be able to endure losing my memory, and my mobility, and my physical health, my glasses, my________.    What if I just can't deal with it all?  What will happen to me?

But then today, on the 105 freeway I got my answer.  Who would guess that a stressful moment during a routine trip on the freeway could offer  such epiphany. But there it was.  I am re-inventing, re-emerging one car length at a time, slowly, taking my time, not comparing myself to how others do it, hoping to stay grounded, in my ever changing brain and  body, one car length at a time.